Alzheimer’s Caregiver: “I Will Remember For The Both Of Us”

This is Lee Habib, and this is Our American Stories. And we tell stories about everything here on this show, including your story. Send them to OurAmericanStories.com. They’re some of our favorites, and you know we really mean that. Today we have a listener’s story from WHO in Des Moines, our great iHeart station 1040. Laura Sangster had a tough childhood and a very tough first marriage, but then she met her husband, Fred. Here’s Laura sharing her story.

I was married forty years. I found out after five years of marriage that he has sexual addictions, and he was living, had another life, thirty-eight years of the forty. I didn’t want God to be mad at me, so I didn’t want divorce. Kids, everybody wanted me. I mean, it was awful, and I just thought I was so scared. My health was going down. I did late counseling. My consulate, he said, “No, the Lord does not want you to be living like this anymore.” So I worked for a law firm. Everybody knew who he was and what he was doing. After I decided to divorce, they were just so elated. They put a party on, and they said, “You need to find somebody that cares about you.” So five years later, they wanted me to do eHarmony. They were all on eHarmony. Some of thee were engaged, and you know, and it was like, “You’ve got to do this.” Well, I filled out the application after a lot of pressuring, and then Fred’s name came up. Anyway, we start talking, you know, you talk first, and they email questions back and forth. First name, no email, nothing. So it’s quite a process that you go through. Then when you feel like you’re ready to just say, “Hey, I can give them my phone number or my email address,” then you can do that. So after about, oh, I would say, probably two or three months, we just really knew a lot about each other. We met first of January for the first time in person. He came to Minnesota because he had meetings there. It was like we had known each other for years. And he came by the table and stood up, and he just stood there. And I thought, “Who is this?” And he said, “Laura?” And I said, “Yes.” And he said, “I’m Fred.” We sat there for five hours. And then we sat on the parking lot. And then the next day, his one meeting was canceled. Says, “Are you going to be available?” And I did. And it was just like, that’s why I call my prince, and I always have, because it was like it was just a Cinderella story, and we just knew. I mean, there was no doubt, and I had no intentions of ever getting married again. But he treated me such a gentleman and such a wonderful Christian man. It was just like God just put him in my… I really believe that God really put him in my life. When he asked me to marry him in February, I thought, you know, I told him right out. I said, “You know what, I need to pray about this.” And I said, “I don’t want to talk to you or any connection during this time,” because I said, “I really need to pray to God that this is what he wants me to do.” And I thought, “Well, if he finds somebody else, that’s fine. It wasn’t meant to be.” That’s the way I thought about it. And people can’t believe I did that. My heart tells me I need to do that, so I did. And it was two weeks, actually, to the day that I told him, and I prayed and prayed and everything, no connection. And then one morning, I woke up, got to work, and it just said, “You need to call him now and say you would like to go out with them again.” I did. So it just all went from there. We wrote our vows together. It says our promises to each other: first, and most importantly, God will be the center focus of our relationship with each other. I want you to know that I will always make prayer the foremost in any given situation, and our day will start and end with prayer. Want to be someone who reminds you every single day how much you’re loved. Want to be someone who fills each day of our marriage with happiness and beautiful memories with you. Want to be someone you can trust and share with absolute everything along the pathway of our life’s journey together. Want to be the one person you know who can always turn to, someone you can laugh and cry with. But most importantly, I just want you to be able to be yourself. I want to sit next to you, hold you, walk with you, and share our innermost thoughts. These are my promises to you. Both of us were on the same track. That’s where it started. And then we had beautiful trips. We just had just a beautiful life. And then I noticed one day that he just like stood in the room, middle of the room, and just was like, just puzzled, like I know where, where he was or whatever. And I thought, “Oh my gosh, what’s going on?” Anyway, I noticed little things here and there. And his mom passed away with Alzheimer’s. Then we had him evaluated. This was in 2014, I think. Then he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

And you’ve been listening to Laura Sangster tell her story about a dreadful first marriage, liberation through a divorce, and ultimately finding Fred. Those vows? They were just so beautiful. Oh my goodness, ours weren’t. I was good. I wish, I wish we’d spent more time on ours, and were as thoughtful. By the way, I met my bride on the internet as well, on Match.com. Third couple to ever be married on Match.com, and we’re really proud of that. And I knew it when I met her, that was my person, that was my soulmate. And clearly, Laura knew Fred was the person for her for the rest of her life. When we come back, more of this story and what happens next, as Alzheimer’s beckons. This is Our American Stories. Here at Our American Stories, we bring you inspiring stories of history, sports, business, faith, and love. Stories from a great and beautiful country that need to be told. But we can’t do it without you. Our stories are free to listen to, but they’re not free to make. If you love our stories and America like we do, please go to OurAmericanStories.com and click the donate button. Give a little, give a lot, help us keep the great American stories coming. That’s OurAmericanStories.com.

I tried taking care of him at home, and I was a wreck. I couldn’t do it anymore. And three years ago, my doctor looked at me, says, “It’s either you or him.” So I had an appointment facility, and it was really hard. I’ve been in a lot of caregiver groups. I got him involved right away just to keep his mind going. There’s a lot of neat places. Alzheimer’s Association has places everywhere, every state, and there’s groups that they zone into what they can still do and give them encouragement. And that’s what I would just say, is find a caregiver group right away, find out all the information, all the steps, because it helps prepare you. If you don’t look into that and get the support from that end, it’s awful. It’s awful. And I was right away with him, and I think that kept him going longer than he would have been because I kind of kept him in with people that were like him. And it was so important because he didn’t feel like he was different then. And that is so important. That is so important because people don’t understand. We had lots of friends. Fred had friends for seventy-five years, and we had a church family. We had Bible staf. We did social things all the time. And, “We’re your family. We’re here.” I mean, these are long years, friends. Anyway, after you was diagnosed, everybody fell off the face of the earth, totally. They’re gone. And one pastor told me, he says, “Well, they just don’t know what to say or do.” And I say, “No, that’s wrong. That’s when you need your family.” It was hard. So I tried for a few years with everybody, and I just thought, I don’t have the energies to do this anymore. It’s not worth it. You might know what to say, but you can say, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you.” So get connected right away and learn. They have great support groups, great support groups for both. You go to meetings with both, and Fred and I did, and then you have your own caregiving groups. But now, to this day, he doesn’t know who I am. He knows I’m special, you know, but he’s content in this world. And that’s been real hard for me. And it was our anniversary on July 5th, and I’m gonna cry. These words came to me. It says, “Remembering for both of us.” I just sat down by my computer and I wrote this in ten minutes. It just flowed out of me. It says, “Memories are unforgettable. And I only wish I could say to you, ‘Remember when,’ but I know you can’t, so I will remember for us both. I talked to you about the past, hoping that it triggers some memory. Of our past. But in reality, I know in my heart that I will need to remember for us both. When I say, ‘I love you so much,’ you in turn tell me, ‘That’s nice.’ My hugs seem a mystery to you. Your eyes speak, ‘Why are you hugging me?’ And you receive it with no response, with a hug back. I miss those hugs. You were the best hugger of all. And I always, with saying, ‘I love you,’ ‘my PJ,’ a name you gave me at our wedding, which means precious jewel, and I called you my prince, like in Cinderella. But now I only can rest in my heart those expressions of our love and knowing I will remember for us both. Memories are never forgotten. Deep down inside you, I know they are there in your heart. When we talk about God, your eyes shine. That makes me teary-eyed because I know you are aware that He is with you. I will forever the memories for us both.” And that just flowed. And it’s like, “Thank you, Lord,” because I needed that. It’s something told me to just sit down and just pour it out. And one main thing I want to say, “Don’t let the little things get in the way,” because you’re gonna have differences. You’re gonna have little things that are happening all the time. But that’s what I try to tell people, married people, and even older people. I said, “You know, the little things don’t matter,” because what look of it. With Fred, I never even dawned that this is going to happen. And if we were have harbored on the bad stuff, we would have not even had a beautiful marriage like we did. But it was beautiful, and we would talk. We would definitely talk about if something was wrong. We would talk right away. Very rarely do we have any problem at all. Even when I took care of him for five years, when he got bad, we still had good moments and precious moments. And even when he went in, I could take them. But I can’t take him out anymore. I’m much stronger than I ever have been because I see He’s planted people in my pathway. He’s helped me to find a good place for Fred. All I want to do is inspire people. No matter how hard things can get. You just got to trust there’s a reason for, and the Lord will put those people in your pathway when you need them. My oldest son is fifty-three. He’s a nursing home right now, and he has is called Whitmore’s disease, and it’s not, it’s foreign to the U.S. It’s only in tropical areas and maybe Puerto Rico. They don’t know how he contracted. You only can get it through contaminated water or soil. What it does is it destroys. He’s got permanent brain damage, kidney damage, liver damage. And then my other son is MSS, and a girlfriend I have fifty-three years. We’re very, very close, like sisters. She ended up having in the hospital the same time I was there. She’s got dementia. So I do have a load. I look at everything, and it doesn’t bother me to the point of just saying, “Why, Lord?” I never ask why. “Just give me the strength to be able to be there however I can.” I taught them, or her family, how to speak to Alzheimer’s. I’m looking at it that the Lord has planted me in these situations. That’s the way I live. I look at it and say, “I don’t like it. I need a break,” but He has put me in positions to be able to help. And that, that’s how, that’s how I comfort myself. And like I said, I don’t like it, but I only have two alternatives: either to be really upset or, you know, “Okay, Lord, what do you want me to do?” And that, that’s, that’s where I’m at. I have my days, believe me. And not that I don’t sit and cry sometimes, not that I don’t, you know. I mean, it’s normal, and I think it’s good. It’s like a pressure cookie. You gotta lest some of the steam out, and it’s okay. It’s okay to cry. And that’s what they, they, they kind of help you with, too, is when I first went to caregiver. It’s okay to cry. It’s, it’s okay to say what you’re feeling. And, you know, ’cause it does it. It really helps you me stronger, be stronger.

And a beautiful piece, a sad piece, but a real piece. So many millions of people living with Alzheimer’s, and it’s tough, but hearing this voice—well, his voice of affirmation and hope even within it all. And a special thanks to Faith and Robbie and Madison for their work on the piece and their collaboration. Laura Sangster’s story—the story of how she lives with Alzheimer’s: “I need to remember for us both.” She said, “He doesn’t know who I am, but he’s content in his world.” Again, the story of Laura Sangster, a listener’s story of beauty, here on Our American Stories.